Aspergers and dating book
It has all of the techniques that I used to achieve my own personal social success, and I hope it can help you too!
This is the first post of what Dani Alexis and I are hoping will be a fun, and constructive series of angry rants.
And autistic people are supremely vulnerable to this kind of manipulation and socialization, in part because these kinds of stories and lessons about “adulthood” and “independence” fill our lives, and are not in any way limited to the sphere of relationships and dating.
When you have lived, for so many years, according to lists of behaviors, rules, and skills that you’ve been told you must do in order to deserve safety, sustenance, love, and self-determination, it sometimes is easier to feel safe (for a moment, for a day, maybe).
There is no special set of rules that you can follow that will keep people with power from hurting you. To discover that no matter how “good” you are, no matter how well you follow the rules, your compliance will not always protect you.
But this also means that there is no justification for the way you have been hurt and manipulated. And I wanted to say to everyone else: Stop teaching us (women, autistic women, autistic people, autistic queers, and so on) that we only have “wishes,” while people with authority have “needs.” Stop teaching us that if we don’t respect everyone else’s needs above and beyond our own, it’s because we don’t really “love” them.
So when I was considering doing this post (I’d collected the images of E-books a few months ago, I think) for reals, I asked Dani if she’d wanna do a back-and-forth kind of post conversation on the topic, and she was down.I know that I benefit from having some kind of dialogue with another person while thinking, and I tend to get stressed about whether or not I’m “including everything” when writing, so this should be fun and also helpful for me.Plus I mean angry ranting is always a bonus for me. I wish there was a way for me to express the absolutely minuscule amount of fucks I give about the dating needs of Aspie men without sounding like a really mean person.So most of us don’t even get a chance to be included in the narratives of success and maturity that our white, male peers are expected to live out–but somehow that does not prevent us from being made to think that our safety and value is determined by how closely we can make ourselves resemble said narratives. In a story where a man needs a wife, and married life is the only acceptable way for a woman to live as an adult, an autistic woman learns to enter into relationships with men because men need wives, and the only way she will be able to live “as an adult” is if she marries a man.Her autisticness is cited as the reason she cannot afford to live on her own, or with anyone besides her parents or spouse, and simultaneously provides ample justifications for the abuse and emotional manipulation that her caregivers or spouse may exert.